Even the Fear Left Me
by enahma
Summary: Set in my HDH universe, a side-story to the complete trilogy. Severus Snape changes sides. One-shot. Not a slash story.


It's not really a Harry-Snape fic. I just put it amongst these because it's a side-story of my Happy Days in Hell.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Except for the plot. That's mine alone...  
  
Many thanks for my beautiful BETA: kateydidnt *applause* :-)  
  
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Even the Fear Left Me  
  
by Enahma  
  
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I should have known... It was so obvious, so bloody obvious...  
  
But... who expects it from his own damned family?  
  
And now I'm standing here, bound, in the center of an immense hall, Voldemort's throne is in front of me and I know I have no time left to live. I will die in some hours with the most painful death possible.  
  
I should be afraid but I can't feel fear. No. I have other feelings: disappointment and... pain. My parents have betrayed me, their own son, they have doomed me to die. And in some minutes Sever too will arrive and... What will he do? I hope he won't try anything silly in order to save me. I can't be saved.  
  
It would be so good to talk to him before dying. Just a few words. To ask him to be there for Lily. For James. For Albus. To beg him to turn around, to leave finally this awful monster, the tortures, the betrayals, to live the normal life he deserves. Yes, he deserves a normal life. And he will never have it. Not even if he goes today to Albus... It's too late for him.  
  
Oh, no. I CAN feel my heart aching. No, it can't be too late! He is only twenty-one; he is almost a child, like me...  
  
We are so young... Too young to die, too young for it to be late for us.  
  
And then again, it's too late for both of us.  
  
Sever, Sever, you haven't do anything unforgivable, have you? But I fear the answer. I dread it.  
  
And well, I know... know many thing he did. He never suspected it, but I know.  
  
And why did he commit all that? Because of two disgusting and terrible people who call themselves his - OUR! - parents.  
  
Here they are. The Death Eaters. The inner circle. Thirty men, ten women. And my parents amongst them.  
  
And he, Tom Marvolo Riddle himself at the center of attention.  
  
I'm relieved. Sever isn't here. He hasn't been summoned. Thank God.  
  
However... It would be so good to see a loving face before dying. Yes, loving. He loves me I know it for sure. He doesn't love many people, but he loves me. Perhaps he is still in love with Anne... and he likes Malfoy and Avery however, I could never understand why. The unfaithful brats. They are only using him. Like Tom. Like our parents. But he is too blind to realize it!  
  
"Well, young Snape," I feel a sudden urge to vomit as Tom touches my chin. He lifts my face with his finger. All of my senses are protesting in disgust. But I don't let the bastards see it. I will show them how a human should behave. I lift my gaze to Tom's. I don't blink. I don't shudder. "Your father recommended you to me... But he wants me to... nudge you a little bit to join me."  
  
I don't answer. It's totally useless. I just stare at him directly. Openly, you can say.  
  
"You don't answer," sighs Tom in mocking sadness. "However I wouldn't 'nudge' you if you joined me willingly."  
  
"I won't." It's a simple remark said in a toneless voice. Nevertheless, a tiny voice begins to shriek inside me saying stupid things about life and survival... What kind of life will I have if I join this monster? Hush, tiny voices. I'm ready. I'm prepared.  
  
I can feel my father's glare burning into my back, I sense his hatred and abhorrence towards me, my mother's disgust... Nasty feelings. I can remember times when I longed for their love and care... now it's over. Now I want their pride over my strength to die.  
  
It's a pity I couldn't say goodbye to the persons I care about most.  
  
Well, I can say it now. They will never hear it, but I whisper it under my breath.  
  
"Goodbye, Lily, my love. Goodbye, Sever, I'm sorry I cannot be there for you anymore. Goodbye, James, try to release your grief over your beloved's death. Goodbye, Albus. I'm sorry I disappointed you. I wasn't strong enough." I shudder slightly. I can feel tears in my eyes. But I won't cry. I won't show weakness in front of them.  
  
I want to see Sever. He is my last hope... A hope to feel love facing my death. He is the only one who can get here. But he hasn't been summoned. WHY?  
  
I hear a quiet movement from behind my back. I can see an evil grin on Tom's face.  
  
I turn my head around. My eyes widen in shock.  
  
Sever has arrived.  
  
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I'm nervous. My Lord is calling me and Dumbledore just holds me up with his ridiculous questions about my brother. Why on earth should I know where Quiet is? He is adult; he has his own ways, which I don't want to think about either. Since I don't know what he is doing, nobody can drag his secrets out of me. Especially not my Lord, who is extremely curious about Quietus.  
  
It's Father's fault. He can't stop talking about his younger son to the Dark Lord; however, I know and he knows that Quietus will never join him. Unlike us.  
  
I don't know who is right. I'm not sure myself. Quietus, on the other hand, seems to be deadly sure. There are moments when I think he is right and I made stupidest move in my life when I decided to join the Dark Lord. But these are dangerous thoughts. My life is the Lord's now. I have no other chance left. I will remain his, forever.  
  
Finally, Dumbledore realizes that I'm in a hurry. He casts a strange glance at me and puts his hand on my shoulder.  
  
"Good luck, professor Snape."  
  
I'm really appalled. Does he know? As I cross the Great Hall with long strides, I can't help but think about the Headmaster's last words. By the time I reach the Apparation Point in the Forbidden Forest I'm sure. He knows.  
  
What must I do now? When I appear in front of Nightmare Manor - God, how I hate this place! - I struggle to concentrate on the possible task waiting for me. I will deal with Dumbledore's words later. I don't know why, but I don't want to tell the Lord this unnerving news.  
  
I put on my mask and I adjust my robes. The Lord hates untidiness. I cross some halls until I enter the Main Hall of the Manor. The Lord is used to waiting for me there to give me orders about potions I have to brew.  
  
When I see the Inner Circle standing in front of him, I became embarrassed. I'm not a member of this group, what am I doing here? Why should I be here? I get nervous.  
  
I near them with unsure steps. I'm sure I'm not supposed to be here.  
  
Now the Lord smiles at me. And I become aware of a figure standing before him. A torture session? Does it mean that he wants me in the Inner Circle? Oh, it would be a....  
  
No.  
  
I can feel as panic runs through me, it freezes my blood, stops my breathing. My throat tightens, my pupils widen in obvious dread.  
  
I want to cry, to shriek, to bellow: NO!  
  
It's Quietus.  
  
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I can feel my chest, my heart ripped in two as I catch Sever's gaze. The utmost terror in them, the immense panic. Why did I wish he would be here? Now I can see him suffering along with my dying. Good job. It won't be easier to die. Indeed.  
  
I'd like to say some words to him, but I don't dare. I don't want him to be killed like me just because I tell him stupid, loving words. Loving words - in front of Tom Riddle! No. I remain in silence my mouth is shut tightly. I try to send him message through my gazes, our eyes are locked now and I struggle to calm him.  
  
How strange. Me, the ex-Auror from the Ministry trying to console a Death Eater... No. He is not a Death Eater. He is Severus, my brother whom I love and I hope he still has a chance in his life to become the loving and caring man only I know behind his fa(ade of the cold-hearted, disgusting Potions Master. God, sometimes I think he isn't just a good actor, that he truly is that greasy git he shows towards everybody... But there are moments when I get the chance to see him behind all those walls, and I can't understand his hiding. Why does he do this?  
  
Yes, I know the answer I just don't want to believe it. He is now twenty- one, an adult; he doesn't need our parents' regard to live! Of course he doesn't! And then again, he does. He always did.  
  
I can see his hand trembling, his steps tottering. Good God, Severus, pull yourself together! You are in front of the cruellest monster of the present world who will kill you as soon as he catches any sign of weakness in you! Wake up!  
  
Sever, dear Sever, pull yourself together, please! Don't pity me, I don't need your pity, can't you see I'm going to die anyway, SAVE yourself, idiot! I compel myself to turn again to Voldemort. He, seemingly, enjoys the show. My blood freezes. No. It's alright that he wants to kill me. But I don't let Sever to be hurt!  
  
"What's the problem, Tom? Have you lost your strength? Are you frightened of me? Coward..." I spit the words in his face. I can see his face turning red.  
  
"How dare you..." he hisses.  
  
Thank God he's focusing on me instead of Sever. I have to go on, to give some time to my idiot brother to regain his composure.  
  
"DARE? I don't have to DARE to address you, Tom. I'm not your slave like your 'faithful servants'..." with a move of my head I point at the Death Eaters, who are now shaking in rage. I will have to pay for my words later, it's inevitable: I can see my father's whitened fingers as he grasps his wand forcefully. He is livid now.  
  
I'd like to turn my head to Sever but I don't want Voldemort to concentrate on him again.  
  
"They are NOT my slaves, young Snape," he smiles at me. Oh no. I like him better when he is sneering. His smile is the most ugly thing I've ever seen in this damned world. "They are my followers, my faithful apprentices. And as I can see you need to be trained, to learn respect... and perhaps one day you can become one of them, you can take your own place in this circle like your parents," he bows at the two I once considered my relatives, "Or your brother."  
  
I can't help but turn my head again to him. He doesn't seem any calmer. Why on earth is he behaving like a five-year-old? I'd like to yell at him but I can't.  
  
He is panicking.  
  
I never knew he loved me so much.  
  
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I never knew I loved him so much. Thoughts are crossing my mind searching for a way to save him, to protect him, to drag him away from the Lord and his servants, like me...  
  
And now he is struggling to protect me. He is infuriating the Lord to give me time to pull myself together. He doesn't know, of course, that I can't. I can't stop panicking. He's going to die and this is enough for me to become terrified and petrified by fear. I don't want to loose him. The only person on this world who loves me. And the only person I care for.  
  
I want to kneel down, to loose consciousness and to never wake up. I don't want a world without him. I don't want my quarters without him.  
  
I pale as the Lord mentions me to Quiet. I'm really not a good example. Surely not for Quietus. Now I know who chose the wrong side. I'm totally convinced.  
  
And too late.  
  
Too late.  
  
His eyes lock on mine and plead for me to behave like the adult I am supposed to be. But I don't want to be an adult! I want my childhood back right now, I want to turn back time and begin everything over in a totally different way. I want the Sorting Hat on my head shrieking Ravenclaw! instead of Slytherin! I want my job back at the Institute, researching Healing Potions; I want Anne, a family, children...  
  
No. I've totally failed. All of it. And the worst of all is that even if I survive this evening I will never have the chance for a normal life again.  
  
But I won't continue this one either. I will go to the Ministry directly and give myself up. Then I will be given the Dementor's Kiss and I won't have to care about anything anymore.  
  
Quietus.  
  
A pair of black eyes, painful but brave. There isn't any fear or weakness in them. He is just standing in the center of the circle, he doesn't move, but I see him departing and distancing himself. I can sense him preparing for death.  
  
No, Quietus, please...  
  
The first tears are running down my cheek. Nobody sees: I have my mask on. Fortunately? Perhaps, I can't decide.  
  
I can feel my father grasp my elbow and make me stand next to him. I know what the next step will be: not only the Inner Circle is allowed to torture victims in the Main Hall. The general ranked Death Eaters have this opportunity quite often.  
  
"Six rounds," says softly the Lord. "Naturally it will stop in the moment you make the right decision," he blinks at Quietus and sits down.  
  
SIX?!? I can't help but feel sick at this announcement. I don't want even one. I want to go home. I want to die.  
  
I want to play chess with Quiet in front of the fireplace as we do almost every evening. No, we don't talk, we just play chess, I beat him, and he laughs and leaves the room. Nothing extraordinary. But... it's a little piece of life. Life.  
  
I want him to live!  
  
I'm crying now. Like a little child, like I've never done before. My body is thoroughly shaking with the sobs I can't suppress. Quiet, Quiet, Quiet...  
  
Blasted mask! I can't wipe my tears, they are tickling me, my face, my neck, my chest - the front of my robes are dmapened by them, and I stand next to my father whom I always wanted to love me, to impress... Now I just hate him.  
  
He did it. I'm sure. He hates Quiet as he hates me. Nobody else could do THIS to his own blood and flesh! And... Quiet is MY blood and flesh as well!  
  
I'm breaking I can feel it. Wow, what a wonderful show! A Death Eater breaking down! Right in front of his master!  
  
But the torture has begun in the meantime. And my turn is near.  
  
MY TURN? I HAVE to pull myself together. The Lord said that there would be six rounds. That's at least 5 hours. It means that I have time to invent something to help, to save him.  
  
Let's see...  
  
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Idiot. Sever is an idiot. He finally pulled himself together, but I can see that he is thinking about how to save me. The idiot. I can't be saved. I will die here. Idiot, idiot, idiot. He will reveal his emotions and Voldemort will kill him with me.  
  
Wonderful.  
  
I want him to survive. I don't know, why. Somewhere deep inside I feel that he has a task in his life, a very important task that I can't put a finger on, but it exists nonetheless. He can't die here. Not now. Not here.  
  
Now the first curse hits me.  
  
Pain.  
  
I try not to shriek.  
  
....  
  
I managed.  
  
Hot pain. I'm looking for Sever's gaze. When I find I get a little calmer. He's here. I'm not alone.  
  
Pain is shredding my body into little pieces. My eyes turn into my skull. I began to sweat without noticing it. Marvellous.  
  
Blood in my mouth. I managed to bite my tongue. Blood on my face. I fell onto my face and my nose broke.  
  
It hurts.  
  
And I can find Sever's gaze again. He is suffering; I can see it. His torments are perhaps deeper than mine. I'm just physically suffering while he has even stronger emotional and guilt-problems.  
  
Dear Sever... Dear betrayed Sever... How many times I tried to help you, but you didn't let me... And now I'm dying and we can't help each other. I can only hope that you will survive this evening.  
  
As a nasty curse hits my stomach, I kneel and retch. Bravo! From this point on, I will be rolling in my own vomit. Wonderful. How can I keep my dignity after this?  
  
Suddenly a face comes into my mind. It's Harold's. He is lying on the ground of his favourite workroom, dead. And vomit is around him too. It was probably a similar curse. Harold... and Emma. James' parents. But they were my parents too in a certain way: not biologically, just really.  
  
Really. I had parents because I had them. But Sever was always alone. Seemingly, I was simply not enough to save him. He would have needed a real father too. To be able to remain sane.  
  
But he missed the opportunity. And perhaps Harold would have adopted Sever too... no. It's ridiculous. I'm going mad because of these curses. Sever and a Potter... Even if Harold had agreed with this idea Sever would have not accepted it. Never.  
  
Damned pride!  
  
And pain again. For some moments, I'm unable to think.  
  
Then... nothing. No pain. Come on! Whose turn is the next? Let's finish this cruel game finally!  
  
I lift up my head. My eyes meet Sever's. It's his turn.  
  
I freeze.  
  
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I can't do it. No.  
  
I feel my father's elbow digging into my ribs.  
  
I lift up my wand.  
  
I open my mouth.  
  
But I'm unable to speak.  
  
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Come on Sever! They will kill you!  
  
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"Severus!" my father's voice hisses coldly. I lift my gaze to his. Cold, ice-cold and sharp eyes. Ruthless eyes. "Do it NOW!"  
  
I'm frozen.  
  
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What a nice sight, to see your own father encouraging your brother to hurt you! Really, my heart warms to see it. Truly a family-feeling...  
  
But Sever, the old git is right now.  
  
"Curse me NOW," I moan to him.  
  
His hand trembles.  
  
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I can't believe it. Quiet wants ME to hurt HIM! But I can't!  
  
I CAN'T!  
  
"Coward," he whispers and turns around.  
  
My heart sinks. Quiet, Quiet, don't say it to me...  
  
"Curse him, boy, or I will kill both of you," oh, this is my beloved mother's voice. What a wonderful family...  
  
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His curse hits me hard. I fall into my vomit. Very good, Sever. Finally you got it.  
  
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I can't believe it. I hurt him.  
  
I want to die.  
  
I want to kneel down at his side and hug him tightly and die alongside him. But he doesn't want it. Why?  
  
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Oh, it just gets worse and worse. Now I'm bleeding. Well-performed curse, really. I'm bleeding everywhere. Then it stops.  
  
Then I can't breathe.  
  
Then I can't gulp.  
  
And so on towards infinity...  
  
Second round.  
  
Sever's turn again.  
  
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I'm calmer now. I cast a curse on him, which doesn't cause too much pain. But I still see him suffering under MY curse.  
  
Turns and turns again.  
  
The fourth round has arrived.  
  
It's my turn.  
  
But now I'm as sure as I ever have been in my life. I won't cast any more curses on Quiet. Even if I have to die. In reality, it wouldn't be so bad. I LIKE the idea.  
  
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I can see the decision in his eyes.  
  
I've failed.  
  
Idiot, idiot Sever.  
  
But... somehow I'm a little relieved too. There was something on this world, which can turn him off of Voldemort and his disgusting branch. And I was this 'thing'.  
  
Our eyes lock.  
  
He reaches for his mask. When it falls, I become frightened. His face is red and tear-stained. He has been crying for a while.  
  
"I can't go on," he says simply.  
  
Our father lifts his wand to his neck.  
  
"Curse him!" he yells.  
  
Sever doesn't move. I can see the determination in his behaviour. It would be so good to say a word to him... or two. Before our end. But father is going to kill him now. I close my eyes. I don't want to see him to die. I gulp as I wait for the killing curse, which takes my last hope here away.  
  
Hope... Suddenly I can see Lily's face, her hopeful face when I ask her to be my wife. I can see the joy and the hope in her eyes; hope that I will always return to her, that I will always love her. She will be broken when she hears the truth. Her world will be shattered into pieces... I hope James will help her to survive. It will be very hard for her. I hope she will agree that Sever and I be buried in the same grave. Not in the family- grave in Snape, next to my dark ancestors, no. I want to be buried in Hogsmeade. I love that place. I used to visit Harold's and Emma's graves since their deaths and I was always so at peace as I just sat there for endless hours, listening the nature's sounds and wondering about my life, my tasks, Lily and Sever.  
  
My idiot brother will never know that there was only Lily in this world whom I loved more than him. My sarcastic, bastard brother.  
  
I open my eyes to see him for the last time in his life, to give him the same support he has been giving me since the beginning of this torture session. Our gazes lock.  
  
"I'm sorry, Quiet," he says and I can see the pain in his eyes. My God, it had to be so hard for him to hurt me. He always wanted to protect me, he always watched me, and he has always hated Sirius and James with passion just because their prank almost killed me... Well, I don't like Sirius either, however Sever and him are the same sort of people: bigheaded, impetuous, stubborn, rarely thinking about the consequences of their deeds. Well, but Sever loves me. Sirius hates me with the same passion that he hates Sever with. Why? I'll never know.  
  
"No need," my voice is hoarse and barely audible, but I can see that Sever hears it. He smiles slightly and I smile back. Welcome to the word of the living, my dear brother.  
  
"CRUCIO!" my father's voice is sharp as a knife.  
  
Sever falls on the ground like a tree: without jerking, crying or begging, with more dignity than I ever thought he had. Only his fingers show he is suffering: he grasps his own wand tightly... then blood runs from his mouth.  
  
He is so close to me now... I reach my hand to touch him, but another curse hits me and I can't concentrate for a long time. The next time I can lift my head, Sever is no longer here. Neither are my parents.  
  
They will torture him. I can't help but shudder as I think of him, his pain - as if I were in a better situation... No, of course not. My torture is continuing.  
  
I'll never see my brother again. I have never been so sure of anything in my life.  
  
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I have never been hit by Cruciatus. Never. Perhaps it sounds strange my parents being Death Eaters, but they have never hurt us before. This was the first occasion.  
  
It's terrible! How could I use it against anybody? How could I torture people with it? How could I be such a great bastard? Why did I choose this way?  
  
The pain is now teaching me.  
  
Quiet was right all these years.  
  
I failed. I've failed my whole life.  
  
My heart sinks and I can feel myself freezing emotionally.  
  
I've lost my life. I failed.  
  
Now my heart stops.  
  
What did I do?  
  
The emotional pain suddenly overcomes the physical ones and a terrible shriek bursts from me. The shriek of the damned. I am damned. Damned to a horrific death, being clearly aware of EVERY SIN I have committed in my life. Falling into the Hell I deserve, to the eternal loneliness I deserve, through the immense pains of the double Cruciatus I DESERVE!  
  
Now I'd like my parents to torture me harder, much harder than they do, to help me pay for everything I have done...  
  
Tears are running down my cheek, but my sins can't be washed away by an ocean-full of tears, there isn't enough penitence to annul it, there isn't any repentance to remit it, to cancel the pain, the torment I caused, to bring back the people I killed.  
  
I don't want to die. No. I want to be punished and AFTER THAT I want to die. Thank God Father is taking care of the proper punishment, however it seems to me to be a little easy. I deserve more pain, more torment! I want to be tortured like Quietus was, I want...  
  
I'm shrieking and crying, I don't care what my parents think, what the other Death Eaters think, I don't care if they consider me cowardly or weak, I deserves their despising, everybody's despising...  
  
Hell, the effects of the curses begin to fade and I don't want it!  
  
I lift my head and I look into Father's eyes.  
  
"Are you not able to punish your son suitably? That was rather easy..." I can see the anger in his eyes. Well, I achieved my purpose. He hits me again. My back arches in the pain. He hits me with it stronger and stronger. The world begins to turn into a big blur around me, I can't see anymore, I can't hear anymore, I can't sense anymore...  
  
Then a sudden order cuts the pain off.  
  
"That's enough, Severus." It's the Lo... no. It's Voldemort. "Come. Your younger son will take his proper punishment. As for him," he points at me with a little wave of his head. "Leave him alone. It was a mistake for you to compel him to take part in it. You should have known that he... loves his brother."  
  
He says 'loves' as if he mentioned an extremely disgusting thing. He almost spits this word.  
  
How could I respect this... bastard?  
  
And... How could I respect my parents?  
  
Quiet... you will die in a minute. I want to save you, I want to be there for you in the last moments of your life but I simply can't. I can't move. Well, the curses had to be... strong. there should be some after-effects from it, but I can't feel them. My heart, my thoughts are wandering in the Main Hall. Around my brother.  
  
I can see as the three leave the room where I'm lying now. I see them entering the Hall. They are going to kill my brother.  
  
The time seems to slow down. Every step they take seems an eternity.  
  
I want to stop them.  
  
Tears are running down my cheek again.  
  
STOP! I'm shaking on the ground. They leave the door open behind them. Bastards.  
  
I can't see Quietus. I will never see him.  
  
QUIETUS!  
  
NO! Cries my soul.  
  
And there is no answer for my silent prayer.  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
Sever's screams are torturing me now. Why is he shrieking? I could see how he managed to hold a Cruciatus in silence. Why does he humiliate himself now? Why?  
  
Sever, please, stop it, stop it, it hurts me more than the curses and the physical abuse. What is the old bastard, our so-called father doing to you?  
  
I'm sure my pain is nothing compared to yours.  
  
I shut my eyes.  
  
We are dying now. In pain.  
  
Suddenly, I understand Sever's pain. He too realizes this. He too is aware that we are now facing death. And he is not prepared for it. He has caused too much pain and death to be able to accept it with peace. He has no peace. He is facing Hell now. I shudder. I gulp.  
  
Hell... Damnation...  
  
Oh, my God...  
  
Sever...  
  
Sever...  
  
I'd like to save you. I'd like to carry a part of the burden lying on you now. I want you to be consoled. Accepted. Relieved. But you won't.  
  
I'm impotent. And I'm dying. As I counted this is the sixth turn.  
  
Only five Death Eaters left to live.  
  
Pain.  
  
Four.  
  
Pain.  
  
Three.  
  
Pain.  
  
Two.  
  
Pain. And raising panic.  
  
One.  
  
Panic without feeling pain.  
  
I'm panicked now. I expect Tom to step next to me and hit me with the killing curse.  
  
He rises from his throne and... he leaves the Hall. He enters the room where my brother's shrieks come from.  
  
I'm now totally panicked. He wants to kill Sever first.  
  
My throat goes dry. My blood freezes. My heart stops. I'm waiting for the words, which will cut Sever's lifeline. Avada Kedavra.  
  
I never hear them.  
  
Tom returns with my parents. Does this mean that...? No. It can't be true. Sever is alive, isn't he? ALIVE, ALIVE, ALIVE I repeat it endless times.  
  
NOW Tom steps towards me.  
  
I turn my eyes to him.  
  
"I'm going to kill you now," he says, almost friendly.  
  
"I know," I answer flatly. Calmly. With as much dignity as I can show now.  
  
He raises his wand.  
  
Time stops.  
  
"NOOOOOOOO!" I can hear Sever's desperate shriek from the other room. I am relieved. He's alive. I love you, Sever. Please, take me back to Hogwarts. Please, care for Lily. Please, find your life and happiness. Please. For my love's sake. Do it.  
  
I clench my fists so as not to tremble. I see directly into Voldemort's eyes.  
  
I love you, Lily.  
  
I love you, Sever.  
  
I love you, life. I don't want to die.  
  
I struggle not to retch. Not to blink.  
  
I accept what is coming now.  
  
"Avada Kedavra."  
  
I let my eyes shut.  
  
It's over now.  
  
I love you, Quiet, I almost can hear Sever's words.  
  
Sev...  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
I can hear the bastard's words. 'I am going to kill you now.' Quiet, how strong you are! As you answer calmly that you know, I envy you. I've never dared to answer such a way to the Lo. Bastard.  
  
Your words are hurting me. You are ready to die.  
  
But I'm not ready to accept your death!  
  
I can feel my heart ripping in two hearing your answer.  
  
Don't die, Quiet. Please. Please do something. Please, accept his offer, join him and be free to run away!  
  
The other half of me understands you. Please, never accept his offer. Don't become his slave as I did. Don't become a living dead man as I am. Don't. Just don't.  
  
I really don't know why I am shrieking now, which half of me tries to express itself in this way.  
  
"Nooooo!" my cry is sharp and cuts the air in two.  
  
He doesn't answer to me. But I can hear his thoughts.  
  
I love you, Sever, he thinks.  
  
"Avada Kedavra."  
  
I love you, Quiet, I think. I hope you can hear it.  
  
It's over.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
It takes several hours for me to reach the Main Hall on all fours. I'm terribly weak.  
  
Quiet is lying there, in his blood and vomit, his body is still tensed. I kneel beside him and I lift him to my chest and hug him tightly.  
  
"Forgive me, Quiet. I've betrayed you. I've let you be killed. It was my fault."  
  
He doesn't answer.  
  
He is dead.  
  
My brother is dead.  
  
Quiet is dead.  
  
My tears are washing his face. I smother my face in his hair; I can smell the blood and sweat, the suffering, the pain. I wasn't able to save him.  
  
I sigh finally and I lift his lifeless body into my arms. I'm tottering now towards the entrance. It's Voldemort's favour to his servant, me that I can take him away, I can give him the proper burial he deserves. It's a serious favour.  
  
And I hate the bastard for it.  
  
Why didn't he let my father kill me? I don't want his favour. I want my life to be over.  
  
I know what to do.  
  
I will go to Headmaster Dumbledore. I will ask him to bury me with my brother after I have received the Dementors' Kiss. Relief washes through my body. In a little while it will be over. Dumbledore is noble enough to fulfil my plea.  
  
I reach the Anti-Apparition Wards.  
  
I disapparate and apparate to the Apparation Point in the Forbidden Forest. Quiet is still in my arms. I can hold him, he is not heavy and I'm strong enough to bear his weight.  
  
I'm still crying like a little child.  
  
I bring Quietus to the Headmaster's office.  
  
I give the password to the gargoyle.  
  
"Hippogriffs." The Headmaster's mania for special animals. I'm glad he dropped "werewolves" soon after my protest. I hate werewolves. I didn't want to remember a special one.  
  
I lay the body on the Headmaster's sofa. Dumbledore's face is panicked now. I don't know, why. Quietus - dead or me - crying. Two shocking facts in one.  
  
"Is he dead, professor?" his voice is barely audible.  
  
I just nod.  
  
"I couldn't save him. Father handed him over to Voldemort. They tortured him. Finally Voldemort cast the Killing Curse at him." I can't continue. I collapse onto the ground, next to the sofa my brother's body lies on. "He is dead, Headmaster, he is dead."  
  
I just realize that I used Voldemort's name twice without fear, without any signs of respect.  
  
I don't fear him anymore.  
  
And surely, I don't respect him anymore.  
  
"Please, Headmaster hand me over the Ministry. I'm a follower of Voldemort. I was one of Quietus' torturers. I'm a murderer. I don't deserve to live. Please." Naturally I don't mention my selfish motive: I don't want to live anymore.  
  
He doesn't answer. But I can feel strong arms lifting me and holding me tightly.  
  
Something like a hug.  
  
I've never been hugged before. But I accept it now, however I don't deserve it.  
  
We are in complete silence; just my sobbing is audible in the room.  
  
When I finally calm down I lift my eyes to the Headmasters'. I'm appalled now. His face is tear-washed too. His eyes are dull and missing their usual twinkles. Now we are just sitting face-to-face.  
  
After a while I begin again.  
  
I roll up my left sleeve and I show him my forearm.  
  
"I'm a Death Eater, Headmaster. Please, hand me over to the Ministry. And. please, bury me next to Quietus after I. I."  
  
"I won't give you to the Ministry, Severus," his voice is kind and he uses my first name. I'm moved by it; however, his words are killing me.  
  
"I don't want to live anymore, Headmaster," I remain polite. I don't dare to call him by his first name. "I don't deserve to live." I whisper.  
  
He just sighs. Then we sit in silence again.  
  
"You did love him," he says abruptly and caresses Quietus' hair.  
  
I just nod in return.  
  
"I loved him too," his confession moves me again. Then he adds. "I won't hand you over to them. You have still things to live for in this world."  
  
"Perhaps I have," I protest, "But I'm a Death Eater. I murdered and tortured people. I couldn't save my own brother. I don't deserve to live."  
  
"You don't deserve to die either."  
  
I can't decide what the meaning of this sentence is. I don't deserve such an easy death? Or I deserve life instead of death? I look at him questioningly.  
  
He, of course, doesn't answer.  
  
Now we are just sitting in silence again.  
  
Slowly I relax. I shut my eyes and I don't notice when I fall asleep.  
  
When I wake up some hours later, I'm alone in the office. The Headmaster and Quietus are not here anymore. Just me, alone with my painfully spared life, and I'm pondering my possibilities for the next fifty years. Or more. The mere though makes me sick. Fifty years full of regret and black memories, alone in darkness in every existing sense of the word.  
  
I don't want to live. But Dumbledore wants me to live. So, I have to find a way to die with his consent. The answer is obvious.  
  
My soul, my heart is ripped in two. My life is ripped in two. I'm not a whole person anymore. I'm not afraid of dying anymore. And I'm intelligent enough to do it. And before I die perhaps I can repay a little bit for all those horrendous things I have committed. And when it comes time for Voldemort's Avada Kedavra to hit me I will be ready, or more ready than now.  
  
When the Headmaster enters the room, I step to him, I bow my head and I swear to him.  
  
"I now swear to you, Albus Dumbledore, on my brother's name, that I will fight with you against our common enemy, Tom Marvolo Riddle until he meets downfall. I won't spare my life if it's necessary. I will spy on him for you, I will follow your orders and I will obey you till the end of my days."  
  
His eyes widen in surprise, but he can't do anything against it. The oath is made now, whether he accepts it or not.  
  
"Severus, I didn't." whispers weakly, but when he looks into my eyes he interrupts himself. "I accept your oath now, however I wanted you to be finally free."  
  
"I can't be free, nevermore, Headmaster. My sins are haunting me and will haunt me until I die. I want to repent for them. To help to repair some of the damage I did even if I'm aware that I won't succeed."  
  
Comprehension glimpses in his eyes. And concern. Deep concern. Suddenly he seems very old and tired.  
  
"I understand, Severus," he sighs. "But this is a war. You are not responsible for all the deeds you did, you did them on orders."  
  
"But it was my decision to join Voldemort. I have to bear the consequences of it." I'm not uncertain. I know that I'm right however I can see his point too. I acted on Voldemort's orders, like a soldier obeys his leader, but in my case I wasn't obliged to become a soldier for him.  
  
Well, you can say that I was young and I didn't know the possible consequences of my decision and you are right.  
  
But there are many people in the world who didn't join with him; indeed, they decided to fight against him. I should have considered better before I made my decision. I didn't. So I'm responsible.  
  
Seemingly, the Headmaster understands my unspoken words. He just nods.  
  
"Quietus' funeral will be in four days. The Ministry wants to examine his body before giving the permission to bury him."  
  
"They need four days?" I'm appalled now.  
  
"They have too many things to do nowadays," his eyes are soft.  
  
Yes. Too many things. It means Voldemort again.  
  
"I will leave now, Headmaster," I say finally.  
  
"Albus," he says. I blink.  
  
"Yes, Headmaster?"  
  
"Albus," he repeats it. "Quietus called me Albus," he explains.  
  
A sudden feeling suffocates me now.  
  
"I.see." I moan.  
  
I will never understand Dumbledore.  
  
In my rooms there's darkness.  
  
And cold.  
  
It's like the real hell. Because hell is not warm, hot and bright. Hell is the icy, shady pit in which you have to live your life.  
  
I shudder but I don't stir the fire up. I don't deserve warmness.  
  
I don't deserve light.  
  
Perhaps I was wrong when I offered my help to the Light Side. I don't deserve to work for them either. I'm cold and dark.  
  
And now, I'm dreading the future. The cold and dark future in which I will never find the peace, the forgiving I will always long for. Peace and forgiving. My eyes can see my way now, my way full of pain, loneliness and darkness. Everything I deserve.  
  
And at the end of the way stands a cold-hearted, sarcastic, mean bastard - alone, alone, always alone.  
  
Dread.  
  
I have no future.  
  
I have only past.  
  
Dreadful past.  
  
Everything is falling now into the darkness.  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
The End  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
I'm sorry if it was too depressing. I had to write it out of my body, my mind.  
  
Please, review. I'm just curious how many people were able to read it, and how many of them enjoyed it at least a little bit.  
  
About Snape and his probable OOC behaviour: don't forget, he is 21 in this fic. The hard way to becoming the brutal Potions Master we know has just begun. 


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